In 1999, legendary porcine scientist Pig InABeard was under contract with the U.S. government, working on a classified project known only as Project Uncle. Leaked documents show that Project Uncle's focus was the development of a device that, when used on a subject (specifically a human being), would allow the subject to both time travel at will (without continued aid of the device) and change future events. After having created an initial version of the device, Pig InABeard chose to test it on a non-human object in his lab to see if the device would damage the matter that composed the object. Pig InABeard had recently brought a canned ham to the lab, after using the ham to illustrate a speech he gave to students at a local swine university on the dangers and moral conflicts of cannibalism. As revealed in his personal lab notes, which were later leaked by a lab assistant, Pig InABeard aimed the device at the ham and proceeded to initiate the start-up process. After an extended period of time, the exterior of the ham began to take on a slight gold hue, but the shape and integrity of it remained unchanged. Pig InABeard took the ham off the test platform and put it on a shelf, where it was forgotten for some time.

Due to personality issues and failing emotional and mental health, Pig InABeard began to have conflicts with his superiors in the U.S. Government and those funding the project. After claiming that not only could his device permit time travel at will (after only one use on a human) and the ability to change future events, but would also give people "the dubious power to bend trees" (which made no sense to his financial backers), Pig InABeard was told that he would be removed from his work with the government and that Project Uncle would be canceled immediately. Military personnel arrived at the lab and quickly destroyed the device that Pig InABeard Had created, as the stability and safety of anything he had created had been called into question. He was given a few boxes to pack his personal items in and was swiftly escorted from the premises. As information about the project was publicly leaked, Pig InABeard was humiliated, with the scientific world labeling him a "failure," a "fraud," and "a loose cannon." Pig InABeard was frequently mocked in scientific journals as well as countless internet publications.

In 2008, while cleaning out his basement, Pig InABeard stumbled upon one of the boxes of his personal items from the lab used for Project Uncle. Among the items in the box was the gold-tinted canned ham. As PigInA Beard picked the ham up out of the box, he felt something he later described as "a minor electric shock combined with that feeling you get when a clown shows up at a birthday party." He quickly dropped the ham and made his way toward a nearby chair, as he felt like he might lose consciousness. Upon sitting down, Pig InABeard claims that he wondered how long the feeling would take to pass and thought that it might last several weeks. As the thought entered his mind, Pig InABeard found himself transported three weeks into the future, sitting in his doctor's office. Still feeling unusual, he said to himself, "I wish this never happened." Upon finishing the sentence, he reportedly found himself back in his basement, standing over the box with the ham still inside... under a pile of notebooks and coils of wire.

In an effort to vindicate himself as quickly as possible and prove that Project Uncle had indeed been a success (although on a canned ham, and not a human subject), Pig InABeard carelessly began posting his account of the event all over the internet, with multiple photos of what he had now dubbed, "The Magic Ham." Interest in the ham quickly arose, as the ability to time travel and change future events would be priceless. Pig InABeard's announcement caught the attention of the government of every major country on earth. It also captured the interest of terrorist organizations, various rebel factions, and most frighteningly, several pig hArmies.

Fast forward to the present day. More than two dozen pig hArmies have declared their intent to capture the Magic Ham at all costs. PigInA Beard quickly fled the country with the ham, in an effort to go into hiding. His whereabouts were soon discovered, however, as an internet posting made by Pig InABeard to a BBQ enthusiasts forum was immediately traced to Germany (spelled as "GREMANY" in the message by Pig InABeard, who now writes in all-uppercase, heavily-misspelled English, rife with poor grammar, incoherent thoughts, and non-sequiturs due to the injuries sustained from contact with the Magic Ham). The most recent information indicates that the pig hArmies have begun to converge on GREMANY, in what seems destined to be a war of epic proportions.

Who will end up with the Magic Ham? Will it fall into the wrong hands and be used for evil? Will it be destroyed in the fighting?

Only time will tell.