THE WOODEN BOOK
I. VALUE OF A HORSE
Overload your liver Or ride a dark horse With a spoon-shaped saddle Even on the wrong course It'll still be fun Numb is number one King of white dreams Not that extreme Wouldn't see the mirror If Tar Queen called I wouldn't hear her I'd just ignore Sprawled out on the floor One hand on the door Other on a bottle Shifting with the throttle Nice gentle liquid White thrill pill ticket Easy is my style Slightly crooked smile Missing a few teeth Time capsule release Speedy for an hour Then falling like a black flower
Dentist, menace, astronaut What two have One hasn't got But one alone Is painful to the bone Swift trick ticket Trick or treat Powder lick it Absorb it Or ignore it Just don't sit there Egypt elixir Real quick fixer Prairie dancer Moonlight romancer With stones for eyes Mind on the prize Original cow Really real and how With some kind of disease Just for you Exclusive juices Flowing glue White or black Mold attack Ergot fungus One among us With a sword on the ship Two in the hand Morphine drip Egg salad sunshine Pink berry wine A picnic fit for a king Or a madman One in the same Call my name And scream Scream from your soul Make your fear whole Heart black as coal Soul shallow Mind hollow Dollar victim Scream (The dog attacked your arm outside)
II. IN HER DREAMS
We no longer see her We only see her Hitting the glass
Glamour corn More lightly as worn Filling the tree With an oil unknown Filling so fast With raven's bones Like a fish in the sea An eel at home (This sets the tone) For a journey It's so fast traveling To the Mongolian sea Like a diver in Maine or Myself Like a cut log Floating on the moon
Diamond ruby stem Once again And then (Unlike now)
Black Mary's White marriage To the baby carriage Factory mill Sheep swill Selling cheese From a still Liquor luster Cottage duster Sell your house And bake
IV. SEE SPOT RUN
"Weird enough, Nancy?" "Weird enough, Jake?" What a silly couple (Tee Hee Hee) Suck rocks And DIE!
Nicely rabid, Ted Put the jelly Next to Aunt Nellie What does she sell? The handbag of death Say I
The family gathering At night Silly freaks On a fluffy couch The summer crowds Are only slightly more vile So smile Mrs. Freddy Mrs. Freddy Narrow-minded Librarian freak with glasses Gin to begin Sausage to win Play only 2 cards With shards In the yards Miss Haddy El Haddy
Blueberry pie is Even worse now
Slimy sausage drip Donut hole acceptance Repeat advantage Sausage explosion Donut hole collapse Boom Goes the room (Sign your papers here sir)
VI. CLUB OF HEARTS
Alice Drayton's Iron hour (More laundry today) No kidding.
Put your cigarette Out in my pie
Dear dear I long for a railroad (Not so much now)
Lady next to me at the bar Puts her cigarettes out in my pie I say "You have the option to mellow out Before I kill you."
Stupid blonde Spilled her martini On the carpet (You have the option to quit before I win)
Jack and his dart game Throwing in the corner Ted the well-trained militia man Just beat him "Well shucks, Just like a freaking' Norman Rockwell painting." (You have the option to crash-test my painting)
No really, I find it funny When you piss me off Putting cigarettes out in my pie (Better than my eye) Stark raving mad, Lucy All the wildlife Flora and sauna Stark losing happy
VII. STAY UNCLEAN AND BE NOTICED
Notoriety in society Comes not from sobriety Rather eccentricities Done explicitly (Exploit illicitly)
Jack the writer Typewriter Film critic Ankle-biter
Like I'm gonna search Some redneck's laundry To look for his keys (Flour may cause disease)
A rhyme robs a poem Like Fred robs a story Or Robin Hood rides a pony In Yankee Doodle's place (No room for brotherhood)
Taking an extra lap is gross 'Cause you'll puke (Like the photo guy in the bleachers Wants to see that)
"Nice try, butthole. Next? Yeah, that's what I thought." Scene from a put-down party (I won)
The unlocking of the lock Exposes rot In the entryway The door handle rubs off Copper on your hand ("Oh thanks, pal Like I always wanted a metal hand.") Sarcasm The walls are cracked The floor leaks blood
Nice try, Paul! To sell me this rock This sucky house (Scene from "Nice House, Paul")
IX. CONFUSING SCENES OF FUTURE MOMENTS
I don't want To be entertained I want to be The entertainment
Come with us To planet "B" To surface with the tacos Donovan planned it all A little terra luna transition A hoppy country club On the moon Surface bars Selling gray milk Labeled "Surface Bag K"
My redundancies Are demonstrating My problem
Drowning Bat King bat bleeds water And bleeds only water No blood Only water So it isn't actually bleeding It's more like "watering"
My redundancies Are my transparencies Of my pollution Iron skies Iron slung low-held smoke (I would have to leave the courtroom)
Rancid lucid lawyer Selling melons on the side Prostitute fisherman Slicing sardine fish pies
Step aboard And slide aside My magic circus ride My Boogaloo For 1 or 2 State fair arena Bullfighting a bald man Skinhead? Biker? Try "old macho guy" More like it
X. CONFUSING PRODUCTS OF FUTURE MOMENTS (AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR)
"Nasty nasty! Sherman has a nasty!" (Pompous English children) (Burning head wound)
Kill the enemy Mud Bullets All in black and white Classic comedy War follies!
Sherman Tomato Stew ("Good freshness--in a can.") Polly's Ranch Chips ("Yum yum, it's acid ranch!") Rock & Roll Laxatives ("Be True to Your Colon!")
FederalGlueHeist (I suspect the mayor)
Selective Hammer Soup ("Hammer your spleen!") (Ha) Donovan's Portable Picnic ("Picnic in a tube.")
"Do you like the new sanity?" "Certainly not, Chester." "Very well, then, close the door." "Loony old coot." "I heard that!" "Yonder abound!"
New "Pipe Lips" For smoking your soul
Transporter Cane To paraphrase my anger Would be to shorten a lifetime Scottish government Signs "Llama Act" To Blank Records
"Llama Mama in Pajamas" (Don't worry, I don't pronounce it that way either)
Custom made idol Wax with wires Coming from his neck Robot-like square head Name: "Montezuma" Title: "Squarest Dancer in Town" From ToyCo LTD. Retail $6.95
Implanted bloody tick Sulfur worm Makes intestines gasp Stomach churn Soul burn
Ramble Beer Bradle Beer Ponnix Future Beer
Humming Jazzsaw Cut hell like a pie Blue sugar bliss Red spin sweet Drip saltwater Kiss money
Boy and girl Jazz the world Spin the nation Army Florida
Limit life And die young
Soul diner Heart steak Spleen pie Fresh cup of vile (bile) Invisible icy stinger in my back Twisting blue cold turning Screws into bone Latch on like a sick insect Inject venom Stabilize pain Paralyze arm Into a claw shape
"So just come on down... To Furniture Clam"
"I'm Randy Butcher For Furniture Clam Where I always have A 'hoppin' mad time'"
Warp blister Suffer
"Chocolate sticks? Chocolate sticks? Ain't gonna be no chocolate sticks. Least not tonight." The old black man on The doorstep of The general store (The tobacco has stained his eyes) Old Unshaven Ragged
XI. AMERICAN VULTURE
"Bring me your wayward stars Bring me celebrity status Oh heck, bring me Indians And a big lawsuit!" Get over it, genius That had to be the stupidest inscription On a tombstone That I've ever seen And it was on the base of a statue too. Hollywood party Thick smoke Triple A function Girl in a cake Dirty old men Cocaine sink drip Consumption malfunction Heart attack Spin on the floor (Dance, dehydrated monkey!)
This is the tale of "Old John Raver" Who went to so many parties, His grip/grasp on fairy tales Was grim (Grimm?)
Spinning mantra song Smoking tree Dizzy bush Forest concert mosh
Corn doll Made by a farmer's wife I fear I may be choking On the kernels
XII. OUR NEW TELEVISION FRENZY (PUBLIC DISSERVICE ANNULMENT)
Bat damage on ice hill Bat run rancid on the hill Bat trauma line on the hill Bat sinus posture wallflowers
Wallflowers Flour Co. "It's in the milling!"
Jane Jumping intestinal rope Plays "dodge college rule" Silly assistant Pulling teeth at will Pair of pliers And a cigar City kitty Sick kitty Journal madness Leather whore
Now I know What Jim means About being a "genius"
Ice shield drift Eskimo slide
Ear torn Mace Face gouged Fatal day on the playground "Billy got a 'C'"
Hallway of numbness Blue walls Smells like eucalyptus
"Clarence has abused Cocaine since 4th grade Now he's in counseling Becoming a movie star Called 'Jimmy Shock' Starring in "Coca Ropa" (Hang Everyone)
Drug animal shelter Rather helter skelter Science somewhat iffy Mailman hemp box Leaking out the sides ("Like I didn't know")
XIII. NEGATIVE FREQUENCIES
College boy on radio: "Hey, like Paaaaaaaaarty dude!"
Marine-cut jock boy Crashed his 80 M.P.H. jeep (Too bad)
Say "hello" When there's boxes across the screen
"I like you I like it I want you I want it"
Rational statements From an insane man (Hey, these things happen)
Musings of a monk
20% increase in activity When #6 is played
Functional displacement A.k.a. the "Rumble" Theory
First school library Field trip So small Maybe 1/3 of a trailor Some "Ramona" book Was such a big deal Almost scary At the time Padded doors and all
Hey kids, welcome to the Trance Trailor! 7th grade party Leisure suit Disco ball Dance yourself dead Ice skating rink I like it
XVI. HEALTHY OBSESSIONS
All rock fans are murderers And steal a part of the performer's life
XVII. THE CITY (MORE PRODUCTS, LESS PRODUCTION)
Gypsy nation Old beads On an old lady Wise woman Wool coat Red sweater Grandma rot Scary secretary Commie librarian plot
Oil drilling The salty drilling fields Parched workers Beer foam Naked plumbers In bathtubs
In the city Children listen To the jazz band On the West Side
3 swinging cats Groove group Clothed in blue and gray suits Sunglasses and fedoras Just like some cartoon Move Back and forth Stutter-step
Terminatory ball In a toybox "Boom" Shrapnel childhood (I have several cavities)
Blind eyes Bloody towel Painful pretzel Bloody mustard
Shepherd Sun Mustard "A little sun-in a jar." Sun-colored mustard
Goat blood-red Satanic ketchup
Oak tree Provides shade For Refugees
Colorado Golden Chips "Denver In a Bag - Yum yum yum"
I'm afraid of What's outside my room Or down the hall
Woodshed tribute For a whipping boy Shed a tear For the aristocrats Owning others Cracking down Slide hammer vice
George Bush as "Wallace Clawhammer"
Grudge oyster Pissed-off starfish In a moody sea
XVIII. THE MELANCHOLY TALE OF JACK RAKE
Bald baseball Played by baboons In mating jackets Red satin With yellow letters "B A B O O N S"
Pitcher-Jack Rake (One famous baboon)
Jake Rake The big baboon stud All the chick baboons dug him And his slick fur (Plus he got free mating jackets And a red catcher's mitt) Now the groupies Leave him alone
Jack Henry Rake (1945-1972) "One damn fine baboon"
Jack's owners were Pissed and sued The "Ohio Transit League" for trauma They got the rights to Thurston Crabgrass #2 head honcho baboon (And not a cocaine addict Like Jack Rake)
Altogether Jack Rake Fathered 82 illegitimate baboon babies During his career "Alimony Jack" They all called him 'Til he did western Commercials for Purina Now he's "Cowbaboon Jack" or "Hokey Poke" And he still wears That stupid red bandanna (He got a tattoo of A caboose on his arm)
Let him rest in peace Jack Henry Rake "King of Baboon Politics"
(from "If Baboons Ran Things the Way They Saw Fit" (C)1972 New York Times Written by Letch Stinkee)