Congratulations... You're the proud new owner of your very own
G N O M E F A R M !
Instructions For Care And Enjoyment Of Gnomes:
1. Never let them out of the bag or they will assult you with a hammer, steal your car keys and head toward Mexico in your Thunderbird.
2. Never give Gnomes beer. Actually, don't give Gnomes *any* alcohol at ALL... even if one or more of them claim that their "physician" suggested that it might "calm them down" before bedtime and "help their coronary health." They're lying to you. Trust me. They lie all the time.
3. Never let a Gnome date your sister. Again, trust me. Bad idea.
4. You need to keep Gnomes in the dark at least 23 hours and 42 minutes of each day. More than 18 minutes of exposure to light (even artificial light) will cause the Gnomes to turn into Giant Monsters. Then you will need to go out to Toys R' Us and buy a whole separate Giant Monster Farm. What a pain, eh?
5. Never let your Gnomes do "science experiments." They'll claim it's all in the name of education and the next thing you know, you've got a tiny meth lab set up in your bathtub. Uh uh. No sir. No "science experiments" for the Gnomes. Just let them watch TV... lots and lots of TV. They hate PBS and any educational shows, but you should make them watch anyway. After all, who's the boss, you or the Gnomes? I thought so, buddy.
6. All tools are off limits to Gnomes. I know what you're thinking... Santa's elves and all that nonsense. Lemme tell you, all it takes is one nap interrupted by an agitated Gnome taking a Makita cordless power drill to your frontal lobe to change your mind about Gnomes and tools. Not a good plan.
7. It is advisable to keep your Gnomes locked up at all times. In fact, you'd just be better off if you'd put your Gnomes in a fire safe and bury them in about six feet of concrete next to Jimmy Hoffa in the end zone of the New York Giants' football field. Gnomes are not worth the hassle. Believe me, I've been there. Gnomes are not worth the aches, pains, nausea, lawsuits, broken bones, sucking chest wounds, scurvy, potato famine, hangnails, Ebola outbreaks, gastrointestinal disturbances, earthquakes, international incidents, dizziness, and chafing that they cause. You're better off getting a nice ant farm. Really. When is the last time ants stole your VCR and ran up a $14,279 debt on your American Express card?
Palmer brand Gnome Farms are now illegal in 39 states and the District of Columbia. Use of a Palmer brand Gnome farm is not reccommended for children under the age of 16 or adults over age 55. Palmer brand Gnome Farms have been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats and may be responsible for roll-over accidents involving SUV's and small foreign cars. Palmer brand Gnome Farms have been found to cause death to most household pets and some plants. Palmer brand Gnome Farms may cause a burning sensation in the esophagus if not kept in a well-ventilated area fitted with a vent hood. Palmer brand Gnome Farms may cause hallucinations and have been known to cause the deceased to rise from their graves and visit mall food courts. Palmer Fun Products Inc. assumes no responsiblity for any of the aforementioned incidents. If you believe your Palmer brand Gnome farm is defective, please return it to us along with $19.95 in U.S. currency and we will send you a new one within 4-6 weeks.